Every Goodbye Tells a Story

Understanding separation anxiety through what happens after we leave

Screenshot of our home pet camera showing our dog, Rowan being left. Do you think he was happy or unhappy?

Most of us know what our dogs do when we're home.

We know where they sleep. We know which window they like to look through. We know the peculiar little dance that means breakfast should have happened approximately three minutes ago. However, there is a part of our dogs' lives that many of us rarely see.

We all lead busy lives - work, school, sport, social events and appointments for every aspect of our lives. Have you every wondered: "What happens after we close the front door?"

For some dogs, not very much happens at all - They wander around for a while. Perhaps investigate the kitchen for crumbs. Find a comfortable spot. Sigh dramatically at the terrible injustice of having been abandoned yet again.

And they do their little turn in their bed, flop and tuck their paws under, and they sleep.

For others, however, the closing of the front door marks the beginning of something very different.

And sometimes, the first clue we get is a concerned neighbour saying:

"Your dog barks quite a lot when you're out."

When barking isn't really about barking

I recently worked with a dog I'll call Stanley.

His family contacted me because neighbours had reported that he has been very vocal when they were away. For many trainers, this would be classed as your typical 'separation distress' case.

I went to find out.

From the family's perspective, Stanley's mornings are fairly ordinary. He has a good early walk with dad for about an hour. He then spends time with his family while they prepare for their day. Before leaving, they scatter some of his breakfast outside for him to find.

Stanley would happily sniff for the kibble and eat with his tail up in the air behind him.

At first glance, that seems reassuring because a distressed dog shouldn't be able to eat, right?

Not necessarily.

This is one reason separation-related problems can be surprisingly difficult to recognise. So, we set up a camera.

And suddenly Stanley could tell us his side of the story.

The story started before the door closed

Watching the footage more carefully revealed something important. Stanley wasn't simply becoming upset once his family disappeared.

His behaviour began changing ten to fifteen minutes before they left.

He paced.

He followed them around.

He watched the familiar choreography of departure unfold: people gathering belongings, moving through the house, preparing to leave.

Dogs are extraordinary observers of patterns: Keys, shoes, work bags, a particular jacket, the coffee cup being placed in the sink. None of these things inherently mean anything to a dog.

Until, through repetition, they do. For Stanley, the goodbye had already begun.

Veterinary behaviourist Karen Overall describes how departure cues can themselves become associated with anxiety. Importantly, she also cautions that for dogs with profound separation anxiety, changing those cues alone may not solve the problem because the actual absence of the person remains the important event.

That distinction matters.

We aren't simply trying to make the keys less scary.

We're trying to change how the dog feels about being alone.

Then Stanley went and finished his breakfast.

This was the moment that changed my interpretation of the footage.

Stanley happily searched for and ate the food his family had scattered outside.

But as soon as the last kibble was gone, his panic fully exploded..

He ran to the back door and tried to climb it. Then he rushed over to one side entrance. Then the other.

He barked; returned to the door; then the gate; then the other access point.

Back and forth.

What initially sounded like a dog who "barks when we're away" looked very different when viewed through the camera.

Stanley appeared to be searching for his people.

His movement had urgency.

There was no comfortable transition into independent activity.

The food hadn't resolved his emotional state. It had merely temporarily occupied him.

Once it disappeared, the underlying problem became starkly visible.

Behaviour is information

This is one of the ideas at the heart of Pretty Happy Dogs.

When people see behaviour they don't like, their instinct is often to ask:

How do I stop it?

How do I stop the barking?

How do I stop the scratching?

How do I stop him following me?

How do I make him stay on his bed?

How do I...? How do I...? How do I...?

But behaviour is rarely just noise that needs silencing - it is precious information.

With separation-related distress we may see vocalising, panting, pacing, destruction, scratching around doors or windows, repeated checking of exit points, toileting, inability to settle, or frantic greetings when people return.

Some dogs show much quieter signs.

Research using cameras has demonstrated exactly why video can be so valuable. Dogs with separation-related problems may show behaviours such as vocalising, environmental monitoring, panting, pacing and destruction, with many signs appearing within the first ten minutes after departure.

Research comparing owner reports with video also suggests that some behaviours are much easier for owners to recognise than others.

Which makes perfect sense.

You can't observe what you aren't there to see, which is why here at Pretty Happy Dogs, we will never develop a behaviour modification program without first reviewing at least two video footage of the client's dog during separation.

The camera changes the conversation

This is why one of my first recommendations when separation anxiety is suspected is remarkably simple:

Film your dog.

You don't need sophisticated equipment - An old phone, tablet, security camera, action camera or pet camera may be enough.

Ideally, start recording before you begin preparing to leave.

Then watch the dog rather than simply listening for barking.

What happens when you pick up your bag?

Does your dog continue sleeping?

Do they start following you?

Does their breathing change?

Do they stop engaging with something they were enjoying?

What happens immediately after the door closes?

And perhaps most importantly: Can they genuinely settle?

Video analysis is increasingly important in separation-related behaviour research precisely because behaviour occurring during the owner's absence cannot reliably be reconstructed from what the owner finds when they return.

The camera gives the dog a voice when nobody is home to hear it.

Separation anxiety isn't disobedience

A dog experiencing genuine separation distress isn't barking because they're being difficult.

They haven't decided:

"Mum has left again. I shall now destroy the flyscreen as punishment."

Nor are they necessarily insufficiently exercised, spoiled or overly attached. In Stanley's case, he has a good hour's walk every morning before being left.

Separation-related behaviour is better understood through the dog's emotional response to separation.

And that changes what good training looks like.

If the behaviour is being driven by fear, anxiety or panic, repeatedly exposing the dog to a level of separation they cannot cope with doesn't teach independence. It gives them more opportunities to practise being frightened.

(Yes, being frightened can be practised but that is another topic for another post.)

So how do we help?

This is where I particularly like the work of separation-anxiety specialists such as Julie Naismith, whose Be Right Back!approach emphasises carefully graduated absences and working beneath the dog's threshold.

The principle sounds almost ridiculously simple:

Leave for less time than your dog can currently cope with.

Then return.

And gradually build from there.

Sometimes we're not talking about twenty minutes becoming thirty.

We're talking about twenty seconds becoming twenty-five.

Or five seconds becoming seven.

Or touching the front-door handle without leaving at all.

The dog determines where training begins (like so many of our other training sessions).

Not the clock.

The broader veterinary behaviour literature similarly supports gradual desensitisation rather than overwhelming exposure. Overall's separation-anxiety protocol emphasises monitoring the dog's response and progressively teaching that being left can be safe.

Progress may therefore look wonderfully unimpressive - Five seconds. Nine seconds. Fourteen seconds.

Back to eight seconds because today we might have had a delivery that disrupted our flow.

Then twenty.

This isn't a training ladder where every session must climb another rung.

It's more like exploring the shoreline.

We only move forward when our dog's nervous system tells us the ground is solid.

Calm begins while you're still there

There is another piece that matters enormously.

Before teaching a dog to feel safe when we're absent, it can be useful to help them develop the ability to settle while we're present. Not obedience - perfect offering of behaviour upon command - Not "stay there because I told you."

Actual relaxation.

Relaxation that looks like spontaneous resting, creating predictable routines, independent exploration, sniffing and decompression, building confidence and teaching the dog that they don't have to monitor every movement their person makes.

Karen Overall's relaxation work similarly focuses on developing calm behaviour as a foundation from which more challenging behaviour modification can occur. We use this protocol to teach owners to create opportunities for calmness.

Be careful not to confuse this with emotional detachment.

Quite the opposite, we're trying to create security. We are trying to inculcate the idea"

"You can love me deeply without needing to know where I am every second."

Sometimes training needs veterinary support

Separation anxiety also sits in an important space between dog training and veterinary behavioural medicine.

For dogs experiencing significant anxiety or panic, behavioural medication may form part of treatment. That doesn't mean the dog has "failed training"and medication is utilised to sedate a dog into silence.

The purpose is to reduce anxiety enough that learning can occur.

Anti-anxiety medication make up an important component for many dogs with significant separation anxiety and this veterinary support can help when progress stalls or if the dog's condition worsens significantly.

For Stanley, the intensity and persistence of the behaviour we observed was enough that I recommended his family speak with their veterinarian about whether veterinary support might be appropriate alongside the behavioural work.

Because sometimes the nervous system needs help before it can learn a different story.

And what about puppies?

This is something I'd love puppy owners to think about before there is a problem.

Independence is a skill.

We teach puppies:

• Toilet training.

• Recall.

• Lead walking.

• How to ride in the car.

• How to meet the world.

Yet sometimes we expect the software for being alone to simply arrive pre-installed.

Recent research has begun examining whether calm departures and gradual habituation to being alone can help puppies develop healthier responses to separation.

Don't we all want dogs to greet us at the end of the day with "Oh, hi mum! Have you had a good day?"

The results are still nuanced, but gradual experience with being alone remains an important area of preventative behavioural work rather than something we need to wait to address once severe distress appears.

So alongside socialisation, play, exploration and training, puppies can have tiny experiences of:

I am safe even when my person isn't immediately beside me.

Every goodbye tells a story

Stanley's story wasn't really about barking. The barking was simply the part humans could hear.

The fuller story was in the pacing before departure; the watching; the frantic and repeated searching - checking doors and gates, and doors and gates.

The inability to settle once the distraction of food disappeared.

Once we stopped asking, "How do we stop Stanley barking?"we could ask a much more useful question: "What is Stanley experiencing when his family leaves, and how can we help him feel safer?"

That is a very different starting point. And often, a much kinder one.

Because the goal isn't to leave a frightened dog to suffer more quietly.

The goal is to make being alone no longer feel frightening.

And sometimes the first step is simply setting up a camera...

…and listening to the story your dog has been trying to tell you. 🐾💚

Does This Sound Familiar?

If you've ever wondered what your dog does after you close the front door, or you've come home to reports of barking, pacing, destruction or distress, it may be worth looking a little closer.

At Pretty Happy Dogs, I offer one-to-one support for dogs experiencing separation-related behaviours.

We can begin by looking at what happens before, during and after you leave, often using video to help us understand your dog's individual pattern of behaviour. From there, we can develop a practical plan centred around gradual learning, careful management and helping your dog feel safer when you're apart.

For dogs experiencing more significant anxiety, I'm also happy to work collaboratively with your veterinarian or veterinary behaviour professional where additional support may be beneficial.

Separation anxiety can feel enormously restrictive for both dogs and their families. Progress isn't always quick, and it rarely follows a perfectly straight line.

But we don't need to rush it.

We start with the dog in front of us.

We find the place where they can still feel safe.

And we build from there.

🐾 If you're concerned about how your dog copes when left alone, get in touch with Pretty Happy Dogs to arrange an initial consultation.

Pretty Happy Dogs

Calm • Confidence • Connection

Look a little closer. 💚